The Fifth Commandment: Obedience, Part II

I thought this piece would be appropriate to post on Mother's day.

If you are a child still living at home, this post is for you to think on.

Do you find yourself frequently at odds with your mother?

More often than not, on days when you spend most of your time at home, do you have at least one argument with your mother?

Does your mother come after you and nag you because she thinks you haven't done what you're supposed to?

Does your mother trust you?  "She ought to" doesn't count.  Does your mother actually trust you?  Does she trust you to make wise choices on how to use your time?  Does she trust you to make wise choices in your friendships?

Think about these questions.  Examine yourself.

If you are constantly arguing with your mother -- stop.  Stop arguing.  You are not supposed to argue with your mother.  Every time you do, you are wearing her out.  Every time you open your mouth to contradict her judgment, you are dishonoring her.

Submit to your mother, and do as she says, when she says.  And, lest you find yourself disobeying God, obey your mother without complaining or arguing, as the apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians:

"Do everything without grumbling or disputing, so that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and pure, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation."  -- Phillipians 2:14-15

Perhaps you are thinking, "But my mother argues with me!  Even if I don't say a word, she'll ask me to do something and then give me a bunch of reasons why and make it sound like an argument.  She's so unpleasant when she comes to me and tells me to do something."

Do you know why that is?  It's because you have spent your childhood arguing with her and figuring out how to not obey her, or at least not obey her completely.  So when she comes to you she anticipates that you will try to get out of what ever she wants you to do, or not do it right away.  You have given yourself a reputation.

"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is good and right." -- Proverbs 20:11

Your mother talks to you this way because you have given her reason, by your conduct, to not trust you to obey her.

This is not something to be defensive about.  This is something that should bring you to your knees in godly sorrow.

If you find yourself at odds with your mother, you need to make it right.  Own up to your sin.  Humble yourself before God, and confess your sin to Him.  Then -- and this will be hard -- humble yourself before your mother and ask her for her forgiveness.

The Fifth Commandment:Obedience, Part I

I've been thinking a lot about the fifth commandment lately.

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you."  -- Exodus 20:12

The Apostle Paul elaborates on it here:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise),  so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." -- Ephesians 6:1-3

One of the reasons I've been thinking about this is that over the last decade, as I have observed my own family (my parents, myself and my siblings) as well as other families, I have become more and more aware of the difference it makes when a young man or a young woman takes this verse seriously.  And I've decided to write about it in case you find yourself at odds with this commandment -- in hopes that I can spare you from sowing disobedience in your life and reaping bitterness and sorrow in the years to come.

I have never seen a perfect parent, and I have never seen a perfect son or daughter.  What I have seen, though, is this:

• I have seen parents who don't care very much what their kids are doing, and assume that they will grow up to be Christians because they go to church, and maybe even receive a Christian education at a private Christian School.
• I have seen parents who try to be intentional in teaching their children the ways of God, and try to cultivate godly habits in themselves and their children.
• I have seen sons and daughters that try to please their parents, and generally don't pursue courses of action that displease their mother or father.
• I have seen sons and daughters who express utter disregard and contempt (sometimes grumpily, sometimes with care-free cheer) for whatever rules their parents set in place.

 I want to take a moment and speak directly to those of you who find yourselves in frequent conflict with you parents.  Odds are, your parents are of the second kind: they care about what you are doing.  They have tried to be intentional in how they raised you.  And most likely, they have put some family rules in place.  And you don't like some of these rules.  I can think of a lot of rules that I have seen, that either I (when I still lived at home and was younger) or others objected to, and disobeyed to see if they (or I) could get away with it (and often did, because sometimes your parents really do not want to confront you).  Here are just some examples:

• No wearing headphones or ear buds in the house.  Your parents probably don't want you secretly listening to certain kinds of music, or even more basically just isolating yourself in your own world while you live in the same space with everyone else.
• Limits on media.  Your parents know that too much media isn't good for you, and that too much media in the house is detrimental to the dynamics of living together as a family.
• Dressing certain ways.  Most likely, your parents don't want you dressing immodestly, and dressing respectfully and appropriately when you go places (like wearing something nicer than jeans and a hoodie to church).
• Banning (or generally disproving) certain kinds of music.  And yes, sometimes this includes music that is "Christian", but your parents object to it because it is rock or rap.
• Encouraging certain friendships, and discouraging other friendships.  Believe it or not, your parents can detect bad attitudes in other kids your age that you are completely blind to (most likely, you have the same attitude problems and your sinful nature is looking for confirmation).  Your parents' judgment is actually far more advanced than yours.  The likelihood that their judgment of your friends is wrong and yours is right, is remote.
• "Scruples" about relationships with other young adults of the opposite sex.

The basic point here is that when your parents make rules, and they tell you the reasons they make these rules, and you don't like their reasons -- it doesn't matter.  When your parents make rules, it is your duty before God to obey them while you live under their roof unless either (1) the rule forbids something that God commands or (2) the rule commands something that God forbids -- in the case of both these exceptions, I'm willing to bet that 99 out of a hundred of you have never encountered them.

The bottom line: you need to obey your parents.  God commands you too.  Ask yourself: do you obey your parents?  Obeying them is about 75% of honoring them.  There are other aspects of honoring your parents as well, but if you can't even bring yourself to obey them while you live under their roof, then this is what you must first take care of.

I will post more thoughts on obedience in the upcoming days.

Ezra and Kyleigh Dunn

This last Saturday, January 11th, my brother Ezra married Kyleigh.

The story of how they met is beautiful beyond words.  I will not attempt to iterate any of it here.  Kyleigh describes it in three installments, here, here, and here.

The wedding itself was also beautiful beyond words.

Throughout my life, I've been to perhaps two dozen weddings.  Out of those, there are several that stand apart in my memory as profoundly beautiful and deeply moving.  But this wedding surpassed them all.

I think what stands out the most in my mind is how Mr. Fox gave his daughter to my brother.  It is a tradition in most weddings for the Pastor to say, "And who gives this woman to be married to this man?"  To which the father, who has walked his daughter down the isle, will say, "Her mother and I."  The meaning of this tradition seems all but lost now, even among those of us who believe and follow Jesus Christ.  The concept behind the tradition is that, before a woman is married, her authority, her provider and her protector is her father.  When the woman is married, her authority, her provider and her protector is her husband.  During the wedding, the father transfers his role in his daughter's life to the husband, as he gives her to him.

In most weddings that I attended or was a part of, I felt that this part of the ceremony was under appreciated.  The words would be spoken too quickly, too much like rote-memory, for a moment defined by such deep realities.

I think Kyleigh's father felt much the same way, because he didn't settle for the standard four words.

During the rehearsal on Friday, when that moment came, Mr. Fox said,

"Kyleigh, tomorrow my words are for you, but tonight, Ezra, I want to tell you 3 things.  First, this is only the rehearsal, I’m not really giving her to you yet! Second, this young lady is very precious to us, and it is very difficult to give her away.

Most importantly, because of who you are, it is easy to give her to you.  For Kyleigh’s own protection you showed great courage and initiative by respecting my role and seeking my permission and counsel, before starting your courtship. More than that, you showed great patience, faith and trust in God as you allowed Kyleigh to seek God's will and prayerfully realign her life journey to fit yours.  It may have seemed like seven years, but remember it was only two years!"

The next day, during the wedding, Mr. Fox did indeed have his words for Kyleigh.  When Pastor asked the question, "And who gives this woman to be married to this man?"  Mr. Fox did not just recite, "Her mother and I."  Rather, he turned to his daughter and said,

"Kyleigh, you are a radiant bride!  Thank you for honoring me as your father and welcoming my leadership and care for you and your heart, leading up to this day. We have invested 20 years of our life in you, and take this matter of giving you away seriously.  We have found Ezra to be worthy of that investment. As you covenant with Ezra today, you change from being a daughter in your father’s house to being a wife in your husband’s house.  It is necessary that you transfer the honor, respect and submission you have shown me, to Ezra. I love you, Kyleigh!"

Truly, as he said this, the bonds of love and trust between father and daughter shone for all present to see.  Mr. Fox lifted the vale over his daughter's face to kiss her, and let it down again.  Then he turned to the pastor and said, "Pastor, without any reservation and with the full support of my wife, I give Kyleigh to Ezra."

Of all the memorable moments at the wedding, this one stood out to me as the most uncommonly beautiful and profound.  I will post more of my thoughts about Ezra and Kyleigh's wedding over the next couple of weeks, but for now, I leave you to reflect on this.

"Pastor, without any reservations, and with the full support of my wife, I give Kyleigh to Ezra."
-- Jim Fox

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."
-- Exodus 20:12

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.   For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.   Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
-- Ephesians 5:22-28